Government has clarified its position on employing unqualified people, saying that while the SABC could be run by someone without matric – or by a “tik-infused blancmange” – the ANC’s top leaders will still require their airline pilots and heart surgeons to be highly trained. “Jobs-for-pals is great until someone falls out of the sky in a fireball,” explained a spokesman.
With just 340 shopping days until the end of the world, South Africa’s leading politicians and celebrities have revealed their New Years resolutions for 2012. Read on for the full list of lists…
Just days after a former youth leader did something iconoclastic in a flyblown northern province, South Africans have begged for it not to be satirized. “Yes, he alluded to shower-heads,” said one exhausted media consumer, “but seriously, we can’t take it any more. It’s all so depressing and so desperately, toenail-pullingly boring by now. Can’t we just have some Kim Jong Extremely il jokes instead?”
Following the replacement of Willie Hofmeyr with Willem Heath as head of the Special Investigating Unit, SA president Jacob Zuma has announced that he will also be swapping Idols winner Dave van Vuuren for a CD of 70’s hits. “We’re through pretending,” a spokesperson for the presidency said. “JZ can replace you with a bloody pile of bones and teeth if you’ve got a problem with it.”
Cabinet Ministers and government leaders have lashed out at Trevor Manuel, the Planning Minister in the Presidency after he claimed that South Africa could become a land of milk and honey for all its citizens by 2030. “He doesn’t have a clue,” said MP Travelgate Dladla who said that South Africa had been the land of milk and honey since as long ago 1994 – and even before that if you were Allan Boesak.
South Africa has confirmed that it will be spending R1.6-billion on penis enhancements for President Jacob Zuma and his deputy, Kgalema Motlanthe. The enlargements, to be built by Airbus or Boeing, will be able to penetrate foreign airspace willy nilly, however, Motlanthe has expressed disappointment, saying he was hoping for a retro chic jet-pack instead of an actual jet.
Minister of Sport and Recreation Fikile Mbalula, who is currently embroiled in a sex scandal after allegations of an affair surfaced on the weekend, has defended his actions, describing them as part of the job. “What else do they mean by ‘recreation’?”, he asked.
