Hayibo

President Jacob Zuma says crime, not xenophobia, is behind any attacks on foreigners. Relieved foreigners say they are delighted with the discovery, adding that being set on fire by thieves is “much nicer” than being set on fire by xenophobes. Meanwhile the Presidency has warned against xenophobic rumour-mongering, saying that “foreigners are dirty liars”.

International icon and statesman Nelson Mandela is reportedly resting quietly after spending his 92nd birthday throwing eggs at pedestrians off the roof of Luthuli House, doing donuts in a 1957 Studebaker and getting into a protracted bar brawl in an East Rand drinking hole. “It was the best birthday ever,” said a tired but content Madiba.

South African President and serial father Jacob Zuma will reportedly spend at least twelve minutes of quality time with each of his children on Sunday. A family spokesperson said there would be more time than normal available to the presidential offspring given that Julius Malema had chosen Robert Mugabe as his new dad.

Jacob Zuma has moved quickly to diffuse controversy around an alleged affair his alleged second wife had with an alleged man. Zuma, who is allegedly president and who has allegedly fathered up to 21 children, some with his wives, explained that when wives cheated they were “whore-demons” while when he did it he was just “restocking the Youth League”.

President Julius Malema, who seized power six months ago by threatening to hold his breath until he turned blue, has allowed former President Jacob Zuma out of his gimp dungeon and taken him for a walk on a leash to celebrate what would have been Zuma’s first year in office.

With 50 days to go until the World Cup’s kickoff, a FIFA inquiry tasked with explaining the fact that less than 12 000 tickets have been sold to football fans from the rest of Africa has concluded that the Diski Dance is to blame.

President Jacob Zuma has confirmed that he is no longer in control of either South Africa or the ANC, and will officially hand over power to Julius Malema as soon as he has been measured by a tailor for a new vinyl gimp suit complete with gag-ball, zip-on hood and removable chaps for easy-access spanking by Malema.