Hayibo

The psychic octopus which last night continued an unbroken run of correct World Cup predictions is to be headhunted for the position of Chief Political Aide to Julius Malema, ANC Youth League sources confirmed. Following Germany’s loss to Spain in the semi-finals – a result predicted by the octopus – Malema is reported to have ordered, “Get me that magic sea-monster.”

South African President and serial father Jacob Zuma will reportedly spend at least twelve minutes of quality time with each of his children on Sunday. A family spokesperson said there would be more time than normal available to the presidential offspring given that Julius Malema had chosen Robert Mugabe as his new dad.

A day after Julius Malema sang “Kiss the boer, kiss the farmer”, panic-stricken ultra-straight macho South African farmers say the prospect of being snogged by Julius Malema is worse than death. “Murder is murder but moffies are Satan’s handmaidens,” said a spokesman, urging farmers to hide cyanide capsules under their tongues “in case he tries Frenching us”.

ANC Youth League leader Julius Malema has confirmed that he wants to undergo military training to emulate his political idols, The A-Team, who solved crises by “shooting guns in the air”. He added that he was growing a BA Baracus mohawk and would roll out new catch-phrases at party level, including “I Pedi the fool!”

President Julius Malema, who seized power six months ago by threatening to hold his breath until he turned blue, has allowed former President Jacob Zuma out of his gimp dungeon and taken him for a walk on a leash to celebrate what would have been Zuma’s first year in office.

As South Africa celebrates 16 years since the dawn of democracy, ten years since the noon of democracy and one year since the sunset of democracy, Julius Malema is outraged that he won’t be visiting the magical kingdom of Vuvuzela, and Helen Zille has publicly announced that her white rage status is currently negative.

The ANC’s top brass has announced that it will be charging Youth League leader Julius Malema after all – with being awesome.