Hayibo

As Julius Malema starts his five-year suspension from the ANC, the Youth League says it probably won’t kill for him, as it promised in November, but would almost certainly “badly inconvenience, failing which, severely annoy” for him. Meanwhile white-owned media stables reacted angrily to the news, saying that they had spent years demonizing Malema and would now have to find a new bogeyman to keep whites fearful.

Literate South Africans have vowed to punish sports writers and Twitter pundits for weeks of World Cup cliches, confirming that they will be strapped to a genuine Emotional Rollercoaster until they vomit, provided with a literal Bitter Pill To Swallow, before finally having a wooden stake hammed into their chest to help them understand what “heartbreak” really means.

Teenaged girls in South Africa are increasingly keeping abreast of current affairs, admitting that depressing local news is a more effective self-harm technique than cutting or bulimia. “Sometimes when it all just gets too much, when nobody understands, I sneak a copy of the Mail&Guardian into my bedroom, and all that tender fraud makes me feel so horrible, I forget my other problems,” said one.

In a startling exclusive exposé, the Sunday Times has revealed damning evidence that its journalists are either illiterate hacks or cynical race-bating profiteers, running as breaking news a racist Facebook photograph covered by the Mail&Guardian in 2008. Meanwhile the ANC has thanked the tabloid for giving it yet another reason to gag the press.

South Africa’s white corporate psychopaths say they deserve more media coverage than Julius Malema, blaming the lack of headlines on racism. “Why does Julius get all the kudos for being a money-grubbing conman?” demanded a spokesman. “We sell organs, destroy the lives of pensioners, assassinate whistle-blowers, but all we read is ‘Julius Julius Julius’! Is it because we are white?”

As the British media reels under phone-hacking revelations, South Africa’s tabloids say they have no need to tap phones as they get most of their stories from ghosts, hoere, moffies, pimps, tik-koppe and bushes-of-evil. “Who would you rather read about?” asked editor McRaker L’Arceny. “Jacob Zuma, or a bigamist who’s secretly spanking a bunch of judges? Oh, wait, that’s the same thing.”

The ANC has angrily denied that its planned media tribunal will place South Africa firmly on course to becoming a banana republic, saying that the country is a vegetable and not a fruit. Meanwhile, Minister of Voting Fodder, Blade Nzimande, has vowed to defend democracy even if it means forcing taxpayers to buy him another BMW.