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Prince Harry says he is “over the moon” after defeating world record holder Usain Bolt in a 100-meter sprint to become the first royal to qualify for the London Olympics. Officials have confirmed that the impromptu race had been recognized as an official Olympic heat, but denied that threats of beheading by the Queen had played a role.

Abandoned by FIFA after a steamy month-long romance, a jilted South Africa has taken to bed with a tub of rum ‘n raisin icecream and a tearstained copy of He’s Just Not That Into You. However, the government has denied accusations from commentators that a new flirtation with the International Olympic Committee is “so blatantly a rebound thing”.

BEIJING. As the last Paralympians leave Beijing, Chinese officials say they are relieved that they can stop smiling and can get back to important official business such as arresting elderly Tibetan monks, blowing up monasteries, and putting toxic chemicals in baby food. “But both Games served their purpose,” said one party official. “The West lapped [...]

BEIJING. As the Paralympic Games continue in Beijing, uncoordinated and unmotivated people are demanding their own Olympics. “If you’re giving Olympic medals to physically disabled people, you have to give them to people who are depressed, comatose, or simply not very athletic,” said a lobbyist, adding that it was time to stop discriminating against the [...]

JOHANNESBURG. South Africa’s Olympic Committee has apologised for the country’s appalling showing at the Beijing games, but says it is hopeful that it has identified the root of the problem. In a statement released this morning the committee said that it was “looking increasingly likely” that it had accidentally sent a team of ornithologists instead [...]

JOHANNESBURG. South African football officials say they will have to rethink the planned opening ceremony of the 2010 World Cup after seeing the standard set by the opening of the Beijing Olympics on Friday. This morning worried planners conceded that their blueprints “may have been too heavily reliant on PJ Powers and helium-filled balloons shaped [...]

BEIJING. A spectacular flag-waving performance in Friday’s opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympic Games has been cancelled at short notice. 30,000 ‘volunteers’ were set to wave flags in unison, prompted by severe electric shocks administered through electrodes glued to their genitalia. But Beijing has admitted that the Chinese-manufactured electrodes are defective. The performance, entitled “Happy [...]