Hayibo

Vacuous blondes have distanced themselves from FHM model and racist Tweeter Jessica Leandra Dos Santos, saying that they might be stupid but even they know better than to broadcast racist insults and to leave brown eyebrows their natural colour. Meanwhile FHM magazine has vowed to fight racism with even more vigour than it objectifies women.

Africans say they have little hope that Europe will ever become civilized, after a week in which Spain’s King Carlos went on an elephant-killing spree and the Swedish Culture Minister was entertained by a racially offensive cake. “You can take the European out of the jungle, but you can’t take the jungle out of the European,” sighed one resident of Kinshasa.

While tensions ran high outside the court where the accused in the Eugene Terreblanche murder trial were appearing, the rhetoric and bigotry plumbed new depths of retardation, prompting experts to describe the town as ‘The Bermuda Triangle of Intelligence’.

After Wednesday’s Twitter blunder by Helen Zille, her aides have denied that she is grossly insensitive to the experiences of black South Africans, admitting instead that she has an advanced Twitter addiction and “needs help”. “No politician could be that stupid,” said an aide. “It was clearly the Twitter talking.”

South Africa’s 50-million bigots of all races have united to express their mock outrage and feigned disgust over presenter Darren Scott’s use of the “k-word”, saying that he has set back the cause of closet racists by decades. “What Scott has done is utterly unforgivable,” said one pundit. “I don’t care how drunk or angry you are, there is simply no excuse for getting caught.”

In a startling exclusive exposé, the Sunday Times has revealed damning evidence that its journalists are either illiterate hacks or cynical race-bating profiteers, running as breaking news a racist Facebook photograph covered by the Mail&Guardian in 2008. Meanwhile the ANC has thanked the tabloid for giving it yet another reason to gag the press.

South Africa’s white corporate psychopaths say they deserve more media coverage than Julius Malema, blaming the lack of headlines on racism. “Why does Julius get all the kudos for being a money-grubbing conman?” demanded a spokesman. “We sell organs, destroy the lives of pensioners, assassinate whistle-blowers, but all we read is ‘Julius Julius Julius’! Is it because we are white?”