Hayibo

A spokesman for Hell Inc. confirmed yesterday that the attempt by Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe to auction his soul to Satan and associated demons in exchange for another year of health had failed. Succubus MacLevolent explained: “The silly goose forgot that the title deed to his soul has been held by Hell Inc since 2000.”

As South Africa observes Human Rights Day, Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe today issued a statement slamming the holiday. “How can you have a special day to celebrate something that doesn’t exist?” Mugabe asked. “Next week we in Zimbabwe will have a Unicorn Centaur Day to keep up.”

Baroness Margaret Thatcher has laughed off suggestions from Robert Mugabe that he is the first head of state to produce and market a line of clothing. Sources close to Thatcher said the former British Prime Minister was single-handedly responsible for the rise to prominence of legwarmers and knickerbockers back in the 1980s.

Robert Mugabe says he will celebrate his 88th birthday tomorrow surrounded by friends and loved ones. “I’ve had them all stuffed so they can never leave me,” explained the despot. “On special days I arrange them in a circle around me and we play the applause-loop on my tape deck. It’s very festive.”

Pundits have hailed President Jacob Zuma’s focus on education and infrastructure in his State of the Nation address, suggesting that he can combine the two by putting children to work filling potholes. Meanwhile the army has denied that its ceremonial artillery salute almost ended tragically, saying that Bheki Cele’s “aim for the head” command had not translated into an “aim for the Head of State” scenario.

The South African government says it can’t afford to send rape squads or torture teams to Zimbabwe to help Robert Mugabe win the upcoming election, mainly because it has spent the last of the money it got for selling the higher moral ground and pawning its moral compass. However, a spokesman confirmed that the government would be supplying Mugabe with plenty of immoral support.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is coming under pressure to reveal details of his health as he spends increasing amounts of time in China. The veteran dictator returned from another trip to the east this weekend with sources quick to deny that he was suffering from prostate cancer. Asked to clarify the purpose of the trip a spokesman revealed that Mugabe had travelled to Beijing in order to ‘have his batteries changed’.