Hayibo

Hot on the heels of the launch of Apple’s much-hyped iPad in the US last week, industry insiders today revealed that the technology giant is testing a Julius Malema-targeted device tentatively called the iPedi, a hand-held touchscreen interpretive device for translating imperialistic Western concepts into Pedi.

LONDON. Following the revelations of tourist Victoria Smurfit that she and her family were victims of “Kill a Tourist Day”, England’s Daily Mail is now warning British soccer fans coming to South Africa for 2010 of the perils of “Eat a Tourist Day”. After a tourist was devoured by a seven metre great white shark [...]

ULUNDI. South African supporters of polygamy have denied that it is simply an excuse to have sex with loads of different women, saying that it is an ancient and important African tradition. Asked if women could therefore have multiple husbands, they said that they would not debate “insane femi-Nazis out of their freaky nymphomaniac minds”. [...]

PRETORIA. Deputy Police Minister, Fikile Mbalula, has named gastric problems and irritable bowels as the top threats facing the country, and has urged police to shoot to kill anyone suspected of being constipated, or at least to hold them down and administer suppositories. “If suspects give you crap, bag it and send it to forensics,” [...]

PRETORIA. South Africa’s tiny pool of taxpayers, commonly referred to by government officials as “those suckers”, has been warned that a tax boycott would seriously disrupt the state’s current policy of diverting vast amounts of money away from the poor and directly into the bank accounts of unaccountable cronies. Just 5 million out of 48 [...]

CAPE TOWN. As Finance Minister Pravin “Trevor Lite” Gordhan prepares a grim budget speech, the mattress industry continues to enjoy record growth. According to industry analyst Vuyani Narkolepsi, people have lost faith in the banking system but still need somewhere to put their money and trust dust mites more than bankers. Gordhan is reportedly struggling [...]

PRETORIA. ANC MP and convicted fraudster Angie Molebatsi has received official recognition for the most disgusting public statement made in South Africa in the last 100 years. At a small ceremony this morning, Molebatsi’s much-quoted “Destiny” comments were installed as the most repulsive in a century, replacing Jimmy Kruger’s “It leaves me cold”. Apartheid justice [...]