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Literate South Africans have vowed to punish sports writers and Twitter pundits for weeks of World Cup cliches, confirming that they will be strapped to a genuine Emotional Rollercoaster until they vomit, provided with a literal Bitter Pill To Swallow, before finally having a wooden stake hammed into their chest to help them understand what “heartbreak” really means.

Civic leaders have hailed the amnesiac performance of the national anthem by Ard Matthews, saying that he and fellow anthem-butcher Ras Dumisani have built a “bridge of quasi-musical retardation” across cultural divides and united the country in derision. “If we can all become tone-deaf, perhaps we can also eventually become colour-blind,” said a spokesman.

ABSA Bank, sponsors of the Springbok ‘rugby team’ say they are fully behind the decision of the side’s management to field a second string XV for the opening games of the TriNations. A spokesperson for the bank said that as banking executives they completely endorsed the concept of overpaying people for under-performing – as long as it was all paid for by the man in the street, preferably without him even knowing it.

Sports scientists say they are stumped by a photograph of Springbok stars posing next to the bleeding carcass of an inexpertly shot zebra. “Obviously Victor Matfield and Fourie du Preez didn’t shoot it for fun, because killing animals for pleasure is a major trait of serial killers,” said one expert. “But perhaps it’s part of some sort of treatment for men with microscopically small penises.”

Clowns around the world are threatening mass action unless Australian commentator Brendon Cannon makes a public apology for calling Peter De Villiers a clown. In a statement signed in custard this morning, international clowns said that while De Villiers also frightened children, calling him a clown was a “shameful insult” to clowns.

DUBLIN. Springbok fans and facial etiquette experts the world over have urged South Africa’s rugby coach, Peter De Villiers, to do the right thing’ and shave off his moustache when Movember comes to an end on Monday. Movember is a month long, moustache growing event which is held around the world each year to help [...]

JOHANNESBURG. Embattled Springbok coach Peter De Villiers, the country’s most inarticulate person, says that he is actually a robot sent forward into the future from the late 1970s to save South African manhood from intellectuals and ballet dancers. He also explained that his “I am what I am” statement was made while channeling the spirit [...]