Hayibo

The ANC Youth League has moved swiftly to deny reports that their troubled leader Julius Malema has resorted to selling his own brand of clothing. Sources within the league said that while Malema was selling a range of trendy jeans and trainers, he was doing so at Edgars where he had taken a casual job to earn some extra cash over the festive season.

Cabinet Ministers and government leaders have lashed out at Trevor Manuel, the Planning Minister in the Presidency after he claimed that South Africa could become a land of milk and honey for all its citizens by 2030. “He doesn’t have a clue,” said MP Travelgate Dladla who said that South Africa had been the land of milk and honey since as long ago 1994 – and even before that if you were Allan Boesak.

Jacob Zuma has reassured panicky ANC-appointed civil servants, saying that his demand that they stop blaming apartheid for their incompetence would only apply after 20 years of ANC rule. He said that blaming apartheid had provided job-security for thousands of incompetent cadres, adding that they had “at least four more years”.

BENONI. Benoni resident Candice Stoffels says she was “deeply shocked and distressed” yesterday after discovering during an argument about affirmative action that former Finance Minister Trevor Manuel is not white. According to Stoffels the revelations were made during a family braai and caused her to lose her appetite completely. “We were just helping ourselves to [...]

PRETORIA. After asking ‘Who is the Dalai Lama?’ last week, Finance Minister Trevor Manuel has been informed that the Tibetan is in fact the spiritual leader of 400 million people, or roughly 385 million more than voted for the ANC. Manuel has also been given a set of encyclopedias to bulk up his general knowledge, [...]

JOHANNESBURG. Celebrity couple and financial kingpins Trevor Manuel and Maria Ramos have admitted that they have discussed “cleaning the place out and taking the first flight to Argentina”, where they would spend the Gross National Product of South Africa on a small villa in the Pampas, raise children, bullfighting horses and dogs, and grow potatoes. [...]

PRETORIA. Finance Minister Trevor Manuel has again urged South Africans to save. Manual conceded that most citizens had no actual money to save, having been taxed to a point where they were eating boiled shoes, but he said that people should try to “put a little something away every month, to get into the habit, [...]