Hayibo

The Freedom Front Plus has turned the corner on Desmond Tutu’s proposal that whites be taxed for benefiting from apartheid, saying they are happy to pay this as long as it comes with a bundle of apartheid-related privileges. “Not, like, separate toilets or anything hectic,” said spokesperson Sturmdrang de Blanke. “But it would be nice if blacks could be encouraged to stop making direct eye contact.”

Julius Malema has thanked his followers for his second term as President, but says he will refuse to write exams “at the end of the second term, like at school”. Meanwhile the ANCYL says it still doesn’t understand why it is failing to attract white members, saying that by calling them “criminals” and “thieves” it is using words that also describe beloved Members of Parliament.

Internationally renowned detective Julius ‘Sherlock’ Malema says it was not difficult to prove that all South Africa’s whites are criminals. “Elementary, my dear What-What,” said Malema. “When solving a crime – or trying to win an election – one must weigh all the facts, remove those which confuse the masses, and whichever racial scapegoats are left, they are you villains.”

Archbishop Desmond Tutu has called on white South Africans to restock their pantries with canned food and candles, raise the height of their electric fences and look forward to playing in the World Cup in an attempt to recapture the spirit of 11th of February 1990 when Nelson Mandela was released from prison.

PRETORIA. As evidence mounts that President Jacob Zuma is planning to pardon Eugene “Prime Evil” De Kok as part of a tit-for-tat deal to pardon Schabir Shaik, white South Africans have reassured Mr Zuma that they don’t need a mass-murdering psychopath returned to them in exchange for the freedom of a small-time fraud. Mr Zuma’s [...]

ULUNDI. White South Africans have welcomed a traditional Zulu bull-killing ritual, saying that it opens the door for them to celebrate their own outdated but enjoyable cultural traditions, such as keeping slaves, burning witches and cutting off the heads of royalty. King Goodwill Zwelithini is reportedly “uncomfortable” with this. Ukweshwama, a Zulu ritual in which [...]

CAPE TOWN. The Democratic Alliance has explained racist statements made by Shahid Esau, the Speaker of the Western Cape parliament, describing Mr Esau as an “equal-opportunity racist”. According to a DA spokesman, Esau’s comments about “boere” and black women show that he hates blacks and whites equally. Esau told the local legislature that “there are [...]