Police confirmed last night that an illegal immigrant from Bengal who successfully evaded capture for two days has finally been brought to justice. Panjo, who declined to give a surname, was tracked to a forest near Bronkhorstspruit. “We suspect he was planning to open a spice emporium in Durban,” police said. “We got him just in time.”
President Jacob Zuma has expressed his regret that South Africa no longer has its own Men-In-Black style secret agency to help cover up the recent UFO sightings that have been pervading the greater Pretoria area. A spokesperson for the Presidency, Buzz Hlope, confirmed that the Department of Alien Affairs had been disbanded at around the same time as The Scorpions.
President Jacob Zuma says crime, not xenophobia, is behind any attacks on foreigners. Relieved foreigners say they are delighted with the discovery, adding that being set on fire by thieves is “much nicer” than being set on fire by xenophobes. Meanwhile the Presidency has warned against xenophobic rumour-mongering, saying that “foreigners are dirty liars”.
South African police have have reassured World Cup visitors that there is a plan in place to deal with an alleged Al Qaeda plot. “We’re going to shoot anyone who looks Somali,” said a spokesman, adding that shooting Somalis was already a national sport in many townships. “It’s not xenophobia, it’s the war against terror,” he said.
JOHANNESBURG. South Africans say that District 9 has taught them that xenophobia is bad, adding that without the sci-fi blockbuster they might never have understood that setting foreigners on fire is upsetting to them. “You only really understand something when you see it translated through the medium of high-budget special effects,” explained one former xenophobe. [...]
PRETORIA. The South African government has outlined its plan for the refugee camps that were erected around the country after xenophobic attacks earlier this year. According to a spokesman, all camps that are currently open, or not closed, will be kept open, except the ones that are closed, and these will be opened until they [...]
PRETORIA. The ruling African National Congress has explained that president Thabo Mbeki has not yet visited sites of xenophobic violence because security experts fear he might be targeted by angry mobs. Mbeki has spent a total of 19 days in South Africa since 2002, and according to a presidency spokesperson most citizens now believe him [...]
