Hayibo

The ANC Youth League says the only way to stop water falling from the sky across South Africa is to award another R40-million pharmaceutical tender to Julius Malema’s cousin in Limpopo, adding that sky-water, like bad luck and erectile dysfunction, could be cured. Meanwhile the DA has revealed that the rain is in fact God’s tears after He was “thrashed” in an arm-wrestling contest by Helen ‘The Hammer’ Zille.

Just days after Western Cape MEC Lennit Max said that he was incapable of sexual harassment because of a “medical condition”, the Democratic Alliance has asked the media to stop making cruel assumptions about Max’s service delivery capacity. “Just because he’s a DA member it doesn’t mean he’s impotent,” said a spokesman.

Following reports last week that the Independent Democrats and the Democratic Alliance are in talks to form an opposition coalition, spokespeople from both parties have confirmed that leaders Patricia de Lille and Helen Zille are to be spliced together into a single opposition Mega-Tannie named De Zille.

As it becomes likely that President Jacob Zuma will have a shotgun wedding within weeks, opposition leader Helen Zille has vehemently denied that she has also fathered up to 20 children with female DA interns. Meanwhile Christian parties continue to giggle uncontrollably whenever “the s-word” is mentioned.

As the last stray Minstrels are tear-gassed and strip-searched for plastic ukuleles in Cape Town and Hillbrow continues to burn, South Africa’s leading politicians and celebrities have a drawn up lists of New Year resolutions for 2010. Read on for the full list of lists. Jacob Zuma 1. Try to learn all wives’ names. Are [...]

CAPE TOWN. As controversy grows around plans to build two more nuclear power stations near Cape Town, energy experts believe that Western Cape premier Helen Zille’s rage and indignation could be tapped as potential sources of renewable and clean energy. According to engineers the only “tricky part” would be plugging Zille into the national power [...]

CAPE TOWN. Just a week after ANC allies accused opposition leader Helen Zille of being a succubus and of having appointed a cabinet full of male concubines, Zille’s university sweetheart has cast doubts on her alleged “wild whore libido”, recalling that during their three-week affair at Wits in the 1970s “she sometimes just wasn’t that [...]