The South African government says it can’t afford to send rape squads or torture teams to Zimbabwe to help Robert Mugabe win the upcoming election, mainly because it has spent the last of the money it got for selling the higher moral ground and pawning its moral compass. However, a spokesman confirmed that the government would be supplying Mugabe with plenty of immoral support.
Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is coming under pressure to reveal details of his health as he spends increasing amounts of time in China. The veteran dictator returned from another trip to the east this weekend with sources quick to deny that he was suffering from prostate cancer. Asked to clarify the purpose of the trip a spokesman revealed that Mugabe had travelled to Beijing in order to ‘have his batteries changed’.
President Jacob Zuma announced the details of Census 2011 on Monday, invoking the spirit of the late folk singer John Denver as he did so, by urging all those South Africans, who had not yet left on a jet plane, to ‘fill out his census, like a night in the forest.’
As FIFA President Sepp Blatter prepared to run unopposed for a fourth consecutive term, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe admitted yesterday that he had finally been beaten at his own game. “This guy makes me look like a hippie giving out flowers at an organic cider festival,” he sighed, before confirming that he would be offering his throne – made of the skulls of pro-democracy activists – to Blatter.
President Jacob Zuma says crime, not xenophobia, is behind any attacks on foreigners. Relieved foreigners say they are delighted with the discovery, adding that being set on fire by thieves is “much nicer” than being set on fire by xenophobes. Meanwhile the Presidency has warned against xenophobic rumour-mongering, saying that “foreigners are dirty liars”.
Zimbabwean despot Robert Mugabe says that Iceland’s volcanic eruption is “God farting on Europe”. He also confirmed that Zimbabwe’s top scientists are developing a prototype “liberation volcano” into which British agents would be tossed, although insiders concede it is currently just a pizza oven with small shrubs stapled to it.
Racists of all races today were brought together in an unusual moment of solidarity to express their dissatisfaction with the widely-reported ‘race war’ South Africa has been plunged into since Eugene Terre’blanche’s murder. “It’s a total snore,” they announced.
