Tag Archives: Zimbabwe

British PM confirms UK does not want Zimbabwe because it's crap

Posted 08 April 2008 | Categories: Current Affairs, International, Politics, Zimbabwe Comments Off

LONDON. Britain has no plans to re-colonize Zimbabwe, says UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown. “Mr Mugabe is mistaken when he claims we want his country,” he told reporters today. “For starters we have our own country, and his country is really pretty crap. I’m sorry, but it is. It’s crap. It’s a crap, shitty country, [...]

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Ousted Mugabe likely to be tried for "horrific" dress sense

Posted 02 April 2008 | Categories: Current Affairs, Politics, Zimbabwe Comments Off

HARARE. The International Criminal Court in The Hague has confirmed that if Robert Mugabe is ousted from power in Zimbabwe, it will seek to try him for “sustained and brutal” crimes against fashion. According to an ICC spokesman, it was time that Mr Mugabe “faced the music for conducting a brutal thirty-year campaign of sartorial [...]

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Zimbabwe police ready to defend democracy in Saturday's poll

Posted 25 March 2008 | Categories: Current Affairs, Politics, Zimbabwe Comments Off

HARARE. Zimbabwe’s police say they are ready to defend democracy at all costs during Saturday’s election, even if it means shooting voters or blowing up polling stations. Police chief Papsmear Motombo says his officers have also been thoroughly briefed on how to avoid embarrassing incidents. “You shoot the reporters first,” he told observers. International monitors [...]

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SA monitors declare Mugabe winner of election three weeks before poll date

Posted 12 March 2008 | Categories: Politics, Zimbabwe Comments Off

HARARE. South African observers monitoring Zimbabwe’s general election have announced an overwhelming victory for incumbent Robert Mugabe. According to the delegation, the decision to award the election to Mugabe a full three weeks before the election was “intended to cut red tape such as actual voting”. The delegation has also declared the polls both free [...]

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No special Valentines plans for Mugabe, will probably just stay in and screw Zimbabwe

Posted 11 February 2008 | Categories: Current Affairs, Politics, Zimbabwe Comments Off

HARARE. Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe says the Holiday of Love will be a low-key event this year, and that he will probably just spend it “screwing the country I love so dear”. Mugabe, who turns 84 next week, says that advancing years have not dimmed his lusts. “Not at all,” he told reporters at his [...]

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Eskom vows to keep lights on, will burn Zim banknotes

Posted 22 January 2008 | Categories: Current Affairs, Science & Technology, Zimbabwe Comments Off

Embattled power distributor Eskom has won the praise of government after vowing to keep rolling blackouts to a minimum by burning Zimbabwean banknotes in some of its coal-fired power stations. In a report to the Public Protector’s office, handwritten by candlelight last week, Eskom committed itself to supplying the nation with electricity “equivalent to that [...]

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Zimbabwe Says Continental Drift Is British Plot

Posted 21 December 2007 | Categories: International, Politics, Zimbabwe Comments Off

Continental drift is a plot by Britain, say the African country’s leading thinkers, who have accused Downing Street of “systematically inching the depraved colonizing cesspool away from Zimbabweans who want to go and live there.”

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