Hayibo

LONDON. Britain has no plans to re-colonize Zimbabwe, says UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown. “Mr Mugabe is mistaken when he claims we want his country,” he told reporters today. “For starters we have our own country, and his country is really pretty crap. I’m sorry, but it is. It’s crap. It’s a crap, shitty country, [...]

HARARE. The International Criminal Court in The Hague has confirmed that if Robert Mugabe is ousted from power in Zimbabwe, it will seek to try him for “sustained and brutal” crimes against fashion. According to an ICC spokesman, it was time that Mr Mugabe “faced the music for conducting a brutal thirty-year campaign of sartorial [...]

HARARE. Zimbabwe’s police say they are ready to defend democracy at all costs during Saturday’s election, even if it means shooting voters or blowing up polling stations. Police chief Papsmear Motombo says his officers have also been thoroughly briefed on how to avoid embarrassing incidents. “You shoot the reporters first,” he told observers. International monitors [...]

HARARE. South African observers monitoring Zimbabwe’s general election have announced an overwhelming victory for incumbent Robert Mugabe. According to the delegation, the decision to award the election to Mugabe a full three weeks before the election was “intended to cut red tape such as actual voting”. The delegation has also declared the polls both free [...]

HARARE. Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe says the Holiday of Love will be a low-key event this year, and that he will probably just spend it “screwing the country I love so dear”. Mugabe, who turns 84 next week, says that advancing years have not dimmed his lusts. “Not at all,” he told reporters at his [...]

Embattled power distributor Eskom has won the praise of government after vowing to keep rolling blackouts to a minimum by burning Zimbabwean banknotes in some of its coal-fired power stations. In a report to the Public Protector’s office, handwritten by candlelight last week, Eskom committed itself to supplying the nation with electricity “equivalent to that [...]

Continental drift is a plot by Britain, say the African country’s leading thinkers, who have accused Downing Street of “systematically inching the depraved colonizing cesspool away from Zimbabweans who want to go and live there.”