3 April, 876 AD – Roland The Cruel Wedgies His Last Victim
During a brief but vicious reign, King Roland the Cruel of Greater South-Eastern Silesia established himself as a world-class sadist.
Not merely content with torturing his victims before having them executed, he delighted also in shaming them, often making disparaging remarks about their genitalia in front of his court, or forcing them to sing his favourites hymns and laughing when they sang sharp or flat. Ginger-haired knights were especially ridiculed, while in 873 he almost wiped out his small kingdom by banishing all women who were "fatte, oogly, flatte-chested, shrille of voice, or otherwise totalie mingin". Four fifths of the region's women were rounded up and sent to Burgundy, and birth rates plummeted the following year.
However in April of 876 the aptly named "Roland terror" came to an end when his captains captured a roving mercenary from South Prussia. Summoning his court, Roland and a trusted lieutenant proceeded to administer a fearsome wedgy to the prisoner, pulling the nobleman's underpants so high above his waistline that "the knight’s fayce did bekomme blue, and his voyce hye like an shrieking Monkee from Arabia".
But what Roland's captains had failed to tell him was that their prisoner was none other than Prince Gunter the Filthy. His undergarments, last washed in the summer of 870, were saturated with plague, syphilis and rabies. Roland refused to wash his hands after his cruel sport was ended, and three days later he was dead.
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During a brief but vicious reign, King Roland the Cruel of Greater South-Eastern Silesia established himself as a world-class sadist.
Not merely content with torturing his victims before having them executed, he delighted also in shaming them, often making disparaging remarks about their genitalia in front of his court, or forcing them to sing his favourites hymns and laughing when they sang sharp or flat. Ginger-haired knights were especially ridiculed, while in 873 he almost wiped out his small kingdom by banishing all women who were "fatte, oogly, flatte-chested, shrille of voice, or otherwise totalie mingin". Four fifths of the region's women were rounded up and sent to Burgundy, and birth rates plummeted the following year.
However in April of 876 the aptly named "Roland terror" came to an end when his captains captured a roving mercenary from South Prussia. Summoning his court, Roland and a trusted lieutenant proceeded to administer a fearsome wedgy to the prisoner, pulling the nobleman's underpants so high above his waistline that "the knight’s fayce did bekomme blue, and his voyce hye like an shrieking Monkee from Arabia".
But what Roland's captains had failed to tell him was that their prisoner was none other than Prince Gunter the Filthy. His undergarments, last washed in the summer of 870, were saturated with plague, syphilis and rabies. Roland refused to wash his hands after his cruel sport was ended, and three days later he was dead.
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