Despite being admired by his men, and having been twice decorated for courage under fire, Union Army General Mervin "Merkin" Durtey's deeply creepy looks and unfortunate surname proved to be his downfall in the spring of 1863.  

By March of that year the Confederate Army under General R. Lacerations Brown had retreated from Fredericksburg in North Carolina, and Durtey's 2nd Army had occupied the town, with Durtey himself billeted with the Widow Jenkins.  

However disturbing reports soon began arriving in Washington of Durtey's "deeply worrying and frankly ungentlemanly glances" at the local womenfolk of Fredericksburg. 

Initial complaints were put down to "hystericalness amongst the local womens", but when the Widow herself complained that her lodger was "just too dang creepy", a military inquest was launched. 

In the court martial that followed, one woman after another remarked on Durtey's "terrible shifty little eyes", with many agreeing that he pronounced his surname with "almost satanic relish, as if he were trying to magic our undergarments right off our nekkid bodies simply with power of his porcine little mind!" 

"It's the awful attempt at the comb-over," the Widow Jenkins told prosecutors. "With almost no hair to comb. Just horrifying little wisps up at the sides.  

"And as for that tiny mouth, pooching out from under the bottlebrush burns – sweet Lord Jesus, the man is sex on legs!" 

Despite his protestations that he was just a hairy lad looking for love in all the wrong places, Durtey was shot by firing squad on 18 April 1863, and his sideburns doused in Holy Water and burned in the churchyard "to ward off witches and perverts".