DAINFERN. Top Billing‘s producers say they can’t wait to broadcast the wedding of presenter Janez Vermeiren to his dream three-bedroom, double-volume wife, promising a vibrant explosion of olde worlde kitsch unrivalled since the golden era of Sol Kerzner. Meanwhile, News24 has denied that its story about Vermeiren’s wedding was plagiarised from Hayibo.com, saying that it could not be blamed if people actually name their children Matisse.
Top Billing, a weekly reminder that money and taste are mutually exclusive, is one of South Africa’s longest-running television shows, a fact attributed to the country’s crumbling education system.
Producer Hack Scheister said he had almost “popped a vibrant, exotic stiffie” in his shorts when he heard that Vermeiren was getting married.
“Apparently Janez was oiling his nipples and trying to memorize his line – ‘Sjoe, that’s amazing!’ – on the sparkling crystal brown sand of vibrant Mediterranean paradise Ibiza when saw her: a stunning Faux-Colonial, Post-Georgian, Neo-Tuscan stunner just behind the dunes,” said Scheister.
According to Vermeiren’s long time actor-slash-model-slash-friend, Creatine Decoupage, the presenter-slash-model-slash-philosopher had gone over, twitched his glutes in the age-old greeting of the East Rand, and had asked her name.
“She’s called Casa Mia,” said Decoupage, “That’s Italian. Which is the language what they talk in Italy. There by where Venetian comes from, like what where Cape Venetian comes from. There by next to Tuscany, where Dainfern comes from. She is kak classy.”
Decoupage said that Casa has excellent indoor/outdoor flow and extensive entertainment facilities both upstairs and downstairs. “Plus she’s got a huge deck,” she added.
Asked why everyone connected to the happy day was speaking about Casa as if she was property that could be bought, Decoupage and Scheister looked blank, before Scheister asked, “Have you not seen Top Billing? If women couldn’t be objectified and paraded as chattel, what the hell would we talk about? There’s only so many Carrol Boyes salad spoons you can film.”
According to Decoupage, the relationship had not always been “smooth sailing like a well-oiled port in a tea-cup storm”.
“When he met Casa, he had just come out of a fairly serious relationship. But she was more of a lock-up-and-go and he’s more of a Pied-a-terre guy and it didn’t work out,” she explained. “But then Casa came along and the rest is, architecturally speaking, history.”
According to Scheister, the wedding will be an intimate affair for 1,500 guests and crew, to be broadcast from the Cape wine farm, Rijkdoosendal.
Meanwhile panic-monger and hawker of divisive trivia, News24, has denied that its story on Vermeiren was stolen from Hayibo.com.
“Yes, we revealed that Janez has a son called Matisse, and yes, we described him as a model-slash-entrepreneur, but that’s what he told us,” said journalist and bottom-feeder, Wimpy Swart-Gevaar. “Where Top Billing is concerned, Hayibo doesn’t have a monopoly on crazy.”
