DAINFERN. Thousands of nouveau riche homeowners in Midrand are set to launch a massive class action lawsuit against the Italian region of Tuscany after discovering that Tuscan houses do not feature marble pillars, porcelain whippets in the dining room, rottweilers sleeping next to poo-coils on dead yellow lawns, or double garages for his-n-hers SUVs.
The discovery was made when newlyweds Trishi-Kerri-Tracci-Lee and Chad Tzatzka accidentally found themselves in Tuscany after being confused by a travel agent’s brochure.
“We wanted to go to Florence,” said Trishi-Kerri-Tracci-Lee. “You know, that long thin state in the southeast corner of the United States. Next thing we landed in Italy.”
However, said Chad, they were hugely relieved when they discovered they were in Tuscany.
“We thought it would be just like home: triple-storey villas surrounded by recently burnt veld, tasteful water features like wild horses rising out of a clam shell with cherubs standing peeing on the snouts of dolphins pulling sea-chariots, a sports bar with a framed Springbok rugby jersey and a genuine painting on actual canvas of Joel Stransky’s drop goal in ’95.”
But, he said, the Tuscan homes they saw in Tuscany were “totally kak”.
“The people don’t even have dining-rooms,” he said. “They put a clapped-out old table out on the patio, which isn’t even tiled with granite, and they eat outside.”
News of the startling discovery spread like wildfire through Midrand, and this morning hundreds of young couples vented their anger by sending their maids to throw free-range eggs at the windows of the Italian embassy in Pretoria.
“How can they claim to be Tuscan when they clearly are just, like, not?” screamed enraged Dainfern resident Affluenza Ferreira, who has invested her life savings in her Tuscan home, named Le Dulcy Vita.
Asked for his comment, Italian ambassador Ennui Ferrari shrugged and said, “Eh.”
