BETHLEHEM. The planet’s two-billion Christians have once again been left exhausted, embittered and depressed after being reminded of the true message of Christmas: never, ever, socialize with family. The day is sacred to Christians who believe that Jesus was born to die for their sins, which, according to their families, include overcooking the turkey, never calling, and marrying that slut who was only after a green card.
Established in 1953 as Christianity’s most ancient and important festival, Christmas is a moment for believers to recall how Profit sent His only son, Merchandize, to perform miracles such as turning water into Vitamin Health Water and people into idiots.
However, many theologians believe that the most important message of Christmas is about family, and how it should be avoided at all costs.
“The Nativity itself is a stark warning of how traumatic Christmas gatherings are,” said Cardinal Xoli Ximenez of Our Lady Of Slow-Burning Blame in Madrid. “A pregnant woman trying to get away with a man who’s not the daddy; failing to plan ahead and book a room; the couple swamped by uninvited guests…And yet still humanity repeats the same mistakes.”
According to Vietnamese bishop Ho Li Ah Than Thow, Christmas was also a way of reinforcing celibacy amongst the clergy.
“In our experience the average Christmas lunch is the finest contraceptive known to humanity,” said Thow. “Ten minutes exposed to a passive-aggressive soul-sucking family feud, and you never want to see another person, let alone breed with them.”
For hundreds of millions, Sunday was a day of reflecting on their sins, courtesy of their in-laws who provided convenient lists. While many chose to spend the day swallowing resentful come-backs to snide remarks from peripheral cousins, others opted for a more traditional Christmas, reading favourite passages out of the family Bible.
Sydney resident Harold Beecham, 64, said his wife was moved to tears by the parable of the wife who overcooks the turkey and as a result is overcooked in Hellfires, while Felix Navidad of Bogota said his family had enjoyed the story of the Ill-Tempered And Flatulent Great-Grandmother, who, after moving into her family’s small shack and bullying them for ten years, tips over a candle and explodes in a cloud of fiery methane.
However, according to Anglican archbishop, Corr Blimey, traditional readings usually soon gave way to more “charismatic” texts.
“Sometimes it’s a verse or two from the Gospel of I Won’t Have That Slut In My House,” said Blimey. “Sometimes it’s a lesson from the Book of Why Are You Unable To Tell Your Bratty Little Shit Of a Child To Sit The F*ck Down And Shut The F*ck Up?
“And sometimes it’s just a prayer, something like, ‘Dear Lord, kill me now’.”
But, he said, with 364 days until Christmas, there was enough time for “scars to heal”.
“Until they’re hacked open again over Brussels sprouts, to the sounds of Helmut Lotti singing ‘Santa Clause Is Coming To Town’, that is,” he added.
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