ROME. The Catholic Church has officially blessed the systematic torture of Zimbabweans but has reminded Catholics that wearing a condom will send them straight to hell. The new policy was announced as Robert Mugabe was welcomed to the Vatican for the beatification of Pope John Paul II, a move insiders see as a first step in the geriatric despot being made the patron saint of rigged elections.
Mugabe is banned from travelling to the European Union, but is allowed to travel to the 9th Century and is therefore welcome in the Vatican.
Vatican spokesman, Cardinal Janus DeSade, said that senior cardinals had voted on whether or not they wished to endorse Mugabe’s murderous regime by hosting him in the Holy See.
“Ultimately the Church is a big family,” said DeSade. “So when you say ‘human rights abuses’, we say ‘family squabble’.”
He added that most critics of the move were still making the “basic error of assuming that religious organizations have anything to do with morality or ethics”.
“Once you realize that we’re all really just political and financial lobby groups with some gorgeous Medieval offices, it’s not so hard to understand why we embrace Brother Robert to our bosom.”
However, he said, while the vicious beating of Zimbabweans would be forgiven by the Church, wearing a condom would not.
“Spilling protestors’ blood all over the streets of Harare is one thing, but spilling your seed into Satan’s purse is a one-way ticket to Hell,” he said.
Asked if he was referring to the fiery underworld of eternal damnation or Bulawayo during election season, DeSade asked reporters not to confuse him with allusions to the real world.
He also used to opportunity to remind Catholics that divorce was still anathema.
“If you and your spouse really have tried everything and you still can’t make it work, consider moving to Zimbabwe,” advised DeSade.
“With any luck your spouse will join the MDC, get beaten into a pulp by Zimbabwean police, and render the whole nasty issue of divorce academic.”
Meanwhile Vatican insiders say that Mugabe’s visit was part of a fact-finding mission paving the way for the tyrant’s ultimate beatification.
Bishop Sanque T. Monius confirmed that potential saints needed to perform two verified miracles before they could be beatified.
However, he added, initial investigations had found that Mugabe had already performed at least two.
“Getting 80 percent of the vote despite 90 percent voting against him, that’s pretty miraculous,” said Monius.
“And his second one, well…We’ve all seen potential saints heal the sick and make the lame to walk, but none of us had ever seen a man take a stern unsmiling Marxist ideologue – in this case, Thabo Mbeki – and turn him into a giggling blushing teenaged lickspittle.”
