DALLAS. The manufacturers of waterboards have asked the US government for a rescue package of $16-billion as a crumbling economy and a “Disney president” continue to squeeze the torture industry. This morning a spokesman said that waterboard manufacturers were “going under”. “At the moment it feels like we’re drowning,” he said.
However spokesman Bob Gargle said that the industry, which is largely based in Texas, would fight back.
“Yes, our hands are tied, but we’re not going to take this lying down,” he said.
He explained that since President Barack Obama “went all Disney” and banned “enhanced interrogation techniques”, over 10,000 jobs in the waterboarding industry had been lost and that another 100,000 were at risk.
“And it’s not like we’re going to need help forever,” he added. “Just until we get a Republican back in the White House.”
Gargle emphasized that waterboards were the only proven and reliable method of data extraction.
“Sure there are a lot of other ways to break people down psychologically,” he said. “For example, you could strap them into a chair and play them all of President Obama’s campaign speeches until they start screaming ‘Yes we can!’
“But we don’t want change we can believe in. We want facts we can act on. And for that, nothing tops the old splash-and-dash waterboard.”
He conceded that $16-billion was a large amount of money but defended the price tag by pointing out that the waterboarding industry was more competitive than the motor industry and also much greener.
“In the last financial year alone we produced over sixteen new types of waterboard that are market leaders because we listened very carefully to what our customers wanted.
“Can General Motors or Chrysler say the same?”
He said the flagship model, the ‘Confessional G’ waterboard, had been hailed for its environmental sensitivity.
“G stands for green,” said Gargle. “They’re 100 percent recyclable. In fact we recycled over 400 broken waterboards from Guantanamo Bay last year.”
He said he feared that if the waterboarding industry was allowed to fail, torturers around the world would resort to substandard boards such as planks, which could splinter and cause severe discomfort to interrogators.
“We’ve got customers lining up round the block,” he said. “Iraq, Sudan, Zimbabwe, Alaska, you name it.
“All we need is a little push to get us over this hump.”
