CAPE TOWN. A community of giants resident in the Cederberg mountains for over three millennia have voiced their fury over last Sunday’s destruction of the Athlone salt and pepper pots. In a statement carved on a stretch of torn-up motorway, the giants complained: ‘GIANT FOOD VERY BLAND. HOW WE SEASON FOOD NOW WITH NO APPROPRIATELY-SIZED CONDIMENTS?’
Anger is reportedly growing among the Western Cape’s giant community in the wake of the weekend’s demolition of the Athlone salt and pepper pots. Meeting last night to discuss the issue, giants spoke of their frustration at the lack of consultation with indigenous populations whose lives are likely to be directly affected by the action.
"HOW YOU LIKE WE SMASH ALL YOUR CHUTNEY JARS AND PERI-PERI BOTTLES?" roared spokesperson Hugundous McBig. "STAKEHOLDERS IN GIANT COMMUNITY VERY CROSS. AND THE STAKES WE HOLD ARE BIG ENOUGH TO CRUSH WHOLE SUBURB. JUST SAYING."
As reparations for the demolition, the giants are demanding the construction of a 200-metre tall tomato sauce dispenser on the same spot.
"IT THE LEAST YOU CAN DO," grumbled McBig. "OTHERWISE YOU MAKE GIANTS CRY. AND WHEN GIANTS CRY, PAKISTAN FLOODING HAPPEN."
When it was pointed out that plans are already afoot to convert the site into a Wind Farm, McBig suggested a compromise.
"YOU BUILD US GIANT-SIZED KETCHUP BOTTLE, WE PROMISE TO FART A LOT,” he proposed. "GIANT FARTS MORE POWERFUL THAN 100 WIND FARMS."
The giants have found unlikely allies in the shape of the Cape Town Spatially-Dyslexic Society, who have complained that without the two large landmarks to guide motorists, “it is absolutely impossible to navigate around Cape Town”.
Spokesperson Mona Deurmekaar, 62, said, “Just yesterday I got in my car in Fish Hoek to pop to the Spar down the road for some cupcake ingredients. Next thing I knew it was 90 minutes later and I was driving around in some area which had a lot of vowels and clicks in its name, if you know what I mean.”
She added, “By the time I finally found my way home, I was far too worn out to make the cupcakes so I had to get Mavis to do them, and I’m sorry to say that she doesn’t take a lot of pride in her work.”
Concluding, Deurmekaar said, "The Athlone Towers were as essential a part of Cape Town as racial segregation and institutionalised laziness, and I intend to stage a protest once I’ve had a little lie-down.”
In response to all commentary on the Athlone demolition, the Johannesburg Residents’ Association released a one-word statement reading ‘Yawn’.
