BOOYSENS. President Jacob Zuma has expressed his regret that South Africa no longer has its own Men-In-Black style secret agency to help cover up the recent UFO sightings that have been pervading the greater Pretoria area. A spokesperson for the Presidency, Buzz Hlope, confirmed that the Department of Alien Affairs had been disbanded at around the same time as The Scorpions.
Hlope said the government had taken the decision to close the department after it’s involvement in the controversial District 9 affair. He said it had been widely agreed that aliens, both from Africa and from out of space, would not return to the country after the way they were received the first time round.
But UFOs were sighted above Pretoria over the weekend, and the Zuma administration was quick to react.
“My friend in Pretoria facebooked me and told me about these strange lights hovering of the city,” said an excited Hlope. “The next day it was all over the news, all these headlines about ‘alien lights in the sky’ and ‘unidentified flying objects’.
“It’s energising and boosts one’s confidence: not only does this show that tourism has increased, but also that aliens are still willing to come to this country despite the constant threat of xenophobic violence against them.”
However, he added that the excitement at the visitation had done little to mask a certain personal disappointment.
“Although these UFO sightings are positive, they also remind us of how far we have to go before we can compete with bigger nations.”
He said government had spent hours studying, “that film with the Fresh Prince of Air in it” in an attempt to learn how to make a memory-erasing device.
“Such a contraption would come in very handy to help people forget about aliens,” he said. “It could also work to help voters forget about other indiscretions.
“You know like when the President makes his friend’s daughter pregnant. Or when a plane loaded with Kruger Rands crashes on its way to Switzerland.”
But Hlope said that even though the scientists had watched Men-in-Black every time they showed it on E-TV, it hadn’t been enough for them to fathom the technology that was used.
He said they had been frantically sending please call me messages to Will Smith in the hope that he could get involved to resolve the situation.
“He saved the free world in Independence Day, we are confident he could work his magic on Booysens,” said Hlope.
“But then again, it is Booysens,” he said. “It may take more than magic.”
He said that in the event that Smith was unable to help, the task of containing the aliens would probably fall to the VIP protection unit. “They are modelled on the Men-in-Black already,” said Hlope. “You know, with the dark glasses, the fast cars and the short memories.”
But he said regardless of how the situation in Pretoria unfolded, the President was adamant that he should be armed with a Laser Gun, “just in case.”
“He hasn’t stopped singing ‘Awlethu isiLaser Wami’ since the weekend said Hlope.
