PRETORIA. South Africa has confirmed that it will be spending R1.6-billion on penis enhancements for President Jacob Zuma and his deputy, Kgalema Motlanthe. The enlargements, to be built by Airbus or Boeing, will be able to penetrate foreign airspace willy nilly, however, Motlanthe has expressed disappointment, saying he was hoping for a retro chic jet-pack instead of an actual jet.
The decision to acquire the state-of-the-art mega-schlongs has been met with quiet despair by taxpayers, who have now lost count of how much of their money has been flushed down gilded toilets by elected officials.
However, this morning the Presidency defended the purchase.
“If you Google the phrase ‘Which other countries have rad bling?’, which we did as part of our research, you will find that most other developing countries have multi-million-dollar aircraft for their heads of state,” said spokesman Qantas Qunta.
When journalists pointed out to Qunta that most developing countries are still developing precisely because their leaders continue to spend vast amounts on expensive toys, Qunta said, “F*ck off, who asked you anyway?”
He added that while the government “should probably see if we can get the existing VIP planes serviced a bit more regularly, maybe by trained mechanics instead of Snakes Sandala’s Acme Tender Services out of Limpopo”, he said that it was “always better for the morale of civil servants to buy new stuff rather than getting old stuff to work properly”.
However, this morning it emerged that Deputy President Motlanthe was deeply disappointed by plans to give him a 100-foot, 50,000-kilogram penis extension, saying that he would have preferred a jet-pack.
“They told me I was getting a jet, and I asked, ‘You mean one of those boxy white strap-on jet-packs with white tubing coming out the side that will allow me to lift off and wobble around 20 feet in the air in a cloud of suffocating chemical smoke?’, and they said, ‘No’,” recalled a despondent Motlanthe.
He said he had built up a “fairly elaborate fantasy” about what he would do with the jet-pack, and that his hopes were now dashed.
“I’ve always wanted to land in a posh garden-party, wearing a tux, and take a flute of champagne off a passing tray, and have the beautiful if slightly tightly-wound hostess say, ‘Why, Mr Motlanthe, how wonderful that you decided to drop in so unexpectedly’, and then I’d give her a poppy out of my lapel, and kiss her, firmly but tenderly, so that he legs buckle at the knees, and then I’d lift off, leaving both her roses and her loins on fire,” said the Deputy President.
“I told you it was elaborate.”
