PRETORIA. Following the replacement of Willie Hofmeyr with Willem Heath as head of the Special Investigating Unit, SA president Jacob Zuma has announced that he will also be swapping Idols winner Dave van Vuuren for a CD of 70’s hits. “We’re through pretending,” a spokesperson for the presidency said. “JZ can replace you with a bloody pile of bones and teeth if you’ve got a problem with it.”
With the summary dismissal of Hofmeyr for a candidate that Zuma preferred, the presidency confirmed yesterday that a new era has dawned where Zuma will consider himself at liberty to replace anyone, anywhere, with someone he prefers.
“Hey, you!” presidential spokesperson Shadi Briyani said in a prepared statement yesterday. “Yes, you, Thandi Mabote who lives at 104 Strydom Street? Pack your bags, Jacob has a second cousin who needs a pad in the city.”
Briyani explained that the president had been informed that he was not taking full advantage of his position.
“It’s great being prez and all, but we had to sit him down and explain that he can literally do whatever the shit he wants,” Briyani said. “When he heard that he got quite excited and instructed one of his aides to fill his jacuzzi with Fanta Grape.”
When journalists inquired whether the appointment of Mogoeng Mogoeng as Chief Justice was part of this new mission, Briyani confirmed that was the case.
“MoMo was the first step, but that was just kid’s stuff,” he said. “Hofmeyr too. We’re ready to really have some fun now.”
The presidency announced that the replacement of Idols star van Vuuren would be one of the next moves.
“So basically whenever there’s an occasion that van Vuuren would have performed at, you’ll now play The Greatest 70s CD Ever instead,” Briyani said. “Zuma can’t bear that swoopy-haired little goth and he’s mad for Abba.”
Other forthcoming replacements to come include the swapping of Helen Zille for a 17 year-old Brazilian lingerie model and the substitution of Deborah Patta for Tinky-Winky from the Teletubbies.
Public Protector Thuli Madonsela is also out, to be replaced by a small plastic spoon, and former president Thabo Mbeki is to be swapped for US actor Will Smith, because “everyone loves that guy”.
“What we’re going to end up with, when all the replacements are made, is a far better-looking, nicer, more relaxed society,” Briyani concluded. “A bit like Stalinist Russia.”
